(Skormorak is standing in the middle of an abandoned warehouse where a few audience stands have been set up with fake cardboard people with tape recorders attacked to their backs. He's currently on his cell phone.)
Skormorak: Come on, Lemmy! Is this the best you could come up with? I mean, sure, I got low approval ratings last time I wanted to do this, but I've been living with Shy Guys for the past year! Do you even know HOW much those guys can teach you about being funny? ... Fine, fine, but only if you agree to raise my salary and give me a less awful studio. This thing probably hasn't seen any use since the 1920s! ... Ok, bye!
(Skormorak wedges an old microphone out of a hole in the floor.)
Skormorak: Greetings, my non-existent, made-of-cardboard audience! Can I get a yaay out of all of ya'll?!
Morton: Yaay! Let the talk show of uber fun and enjoyment begin, start, commence, so that I can listen, hear, acquire the words of this master of talk-showery!
Skormorak: You do NOT count as the audience. I like those cardboard people better than you anyway! So, today we are going to be interviewing Kamek, head advisor to King Bowser and also former Chief Magikoopa! ... Err, where is he?
Suddenly Kamek falls through the roof, tied up in rope and dangling from the ceiling, hanging just two feet above the ground.
Kamek: Whoever had the gall to place this trap is going to get their face gnawed off!
Skormorak: Easy, rabid Kamek. I just wanted to interview somebody, so I set up that broom magnet trap on the ceiling. Just answer a few questions, and I'll let you go.
Kamek: All right, fine. But hurry it up! I'm late for my ballet lessons!
Skormorak: *puzzled expression* You practice ballet?
Kamek: Yeah. What's so funny about that? It does wonders for this old back, it does.
Skormorak: *snigger* Very... very well, Kamek, heh heh... Ok, ok! First question! When you were capturing babies in Yoshi's Island DS, why did you bother to capture all the babies in the Mushroom Kingdom, and not just Mario and Luigi? And why were you searching for those specific babies in the first place in the original Yoshi’s Island?
Kamek: For your second question, I went after Mario and Luigi specifically because I had a vision that they would be mortal enemies of the Koopa Clan, and would lead to our downfall. And the way things have been going because of those two, I would say my vision was accurate!
Skormorak: Good point, Kamek. But are there any other reasons? Why did you want them when you were grabbing all the children?
Kamek: There was one other thing. Have you ever heard of the Star Children?
Skormorak: Yeah, I think I heard it once or so. What about it?
Kamek: By capturing the babies of the world, I was not only rooting out all threats to the Koopa Clan, but I was also searching for the seven babies who possessed magical stars that would one day fuse to them and give them the powers they have today. I had to find them before they reached adulthood, and what better age to capture somebody than as a helpless, defenseless baby? Adult Mario would be too much for this old body to stand in an attempted capture.
Skormorak: I see. Do you know who they were?
Kamek: I already had one with me, Lord Bowser. However, he soon turned up missing after I found out about the Star Children so I wasn't able to steal his. The others were Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, and Peach. The other two I'm not sure about, but I think one's Wario and one of them was probably that Yoshi that always helps Mario out.
Skormorak: I could see almost all of them but Peach having power, unless you call being a "capture magnet" a power. Err, anyway... Ok, so, the next question. Kamek, how do you feel about being upstaged and replaced by Kammy?
Kamek: Ohh, don't get me started on this one. That old hag hasn't got anything on me! The only thing she can do is make blocks fall on people! I mean, come on, blocks! I can cast several hundred spells, I cast them with way more power, and Bowser replaces me with an ugly old hag that can make blocks appear out of nowhere!
Skormorak: Dang, Kamek, you do feel strongly about her! But why did Bowser replace you with her if you're so much better than her?
Kamek: Bowser's not the type to take suggestions or argu a point, even if it's clearly going to prove true and help him win a battle; and sadly, I happen to be one that will do whatever it takes to win. Bowser doesn't like this little factor, and replaced me with that dishonorable hag only because she's submissive and lets him walk all over her! The way it's looking, she's going to replace me as advisor next and when that happens, Mario's going to be knocking on our front door!
Skormorak: Yeah, I believe you. You seem a lot smarter than Kammy Koopa ever will be. Now, Kamek, why is it that all Magikoopas wear glasses? Surely one of you guys has 20/20 vision, don't you?
Kamek: The reason we all wear glasses is because we have to. When you train to be a Magikoopa, you're forced to train until you can sense life forces from a long distance away. However, they all appear as exceedingly bright lights when you sense them. Think of it as staring into the sun for a few hours. By then, you're probably going to be blinded for at least a week. Now, imagine having to spend months perfecting this ability.
Skormorak: Yeesh... So you mean that training to sense life force drives Magikoopas blind?
Kamek: That's not all. Some Magikoopas have even been known to lose their sense of sight in this training regimen, so they've had to get their glasses enchanted to where they can just barely see again!
Skormorak: Then what's the point of learning this ability if it's just going to hurt you?
Kamek: Because the ability to sense life is a massive asset to our army. We can tell if, say, there's an enemy patrol, and outmaneuver them so we can get the drop on them. Plus, there is a spell that lets you see the heat of the world, so we can find our way around.
Skormorak: You mean like thermal vision?
Kamek: Exactly.
Skormorak: Now, Kamek, you can answer questions from our real-as-life audience!
(Skormorak points to the cardboard audience, where a cut-out of Lemmy falls over.)
Skormorak: Seat ISTHATMANREALORWUT!
Cardboard Toad Cut-Out With Tape Recorder: Hello, Kamek! Why don't Magikoopas walk unless they get knocked off their brooms or something?
(Skormorak nods at Kamek.)
Kamek: Oh, come on! I'm talking to a cut-out that sounds like an eighty-year-old man with a speech impediment!
Skormorak: Just do it, or else.
Kamek: Or else what?
(Skormorak twirls a pistol around on his finger, then throws it up in the air and catches it before pointing it at Kamek.)
Kamek: Point taken. Well, photo-realistic Toad, Magikoopas spend a lot of time studying their craft, often late into the night. We are forced to eat lots of chocolate and drink lots of soda, which deprives us of vital nutrients. Also, we don't warm up and stretch properly before our yoga classes.
Skormorak: (giggling) Ok, Toad, please be seated.
(Skormorak kicks the cardboard Toad over.)
Skormorak: Sea-
Morton: Please pick me! Come on, man, I'm right here!
Skormorak: Seat G-
Morton: Come on, I've been sitting here for hours! I'm your biggest fan, a loyal fan, your only fan to come to that and I seriously think that you should listen to what I've got to s-
Skormorak: Fine! If it'll shut you up!
Morton: Ok, Kamek... Do you like wedding cake?
Kamek: No. It's always vanilla and I hate vanilla!
Morton: Boo! You stink, you fail at life, you're a danger and a menace to our conformist society and you should be taped up, chained up, and locked up, with the key thrown far far away into the unknown reaches of -
Skormorak: My god, no wonder everyone hates you! God, at least this old warehouse is going to do SOMETHING good for me!
(Skormorak picks up and shuts Morton in an old packing crate and duct-tapes the lid shut, before activating an old crane that sends Morton into a trash compactor.)
Skormorak: Hee hee, I'd like to see him survive that one! Ok, ok, back to business. Seat MYFLESHISDECAYINGOHNO!
Badly Drawn Zombified Richard Nixon: If you're as powerful of a wizard as you say you are, why didn't you ever fight those Yoshis yourself?
Kamek: Because even then, I was an older Koopa, and if Yoshi got the jump on me, I'd be dead or at least being burned up by stomach acid in his belly. By then I was beginning to have problems casting my stronger spells, and nowadays, I can barely cast some of the moderately hard spells.
Skormorak: (looking at a watch) Woah, we're almost out of time here! Ok, seat ATLEASTICANSPELLMYNAMEUNLIKEMYOLDERBROTHER!
Luigi's Mansion Cut-Out of Luigi: So why is it that you never dropped me, even when you were going around stealing babies again in Yoshi's Island DS?
Kamek: I don't know. I'd say blame Nintendo because they don't like you and don't want people to like you after the successful Luigi's Mansion, but you manage to be liked anyway. Now, can you cut me down from here?
Skormorak: No problem!
(Skormorak revs up an old chainsaw and pulls it back across his shoulder.)
Kamek: What are you doing with that old chainsaw? Oh god, don't tell me you're going to-
Skormorak: It'll be fine, Kamek! I've got 10 percent accuracy when it comes to throwing sharp objects!
(Skormorak throws the chainsaw, which cuts the rope... and Kamek's arm off.)
Kamek: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! Y-YOU TOOK OFF MY ARM, YOU ******* **** ****** **** *** **** ******* *******!
Skormorak: Now, now, Kamek, quit cursing. This is a family friendly show, after all!
Kamek: AND HOW DOES CUTTING OFF SOMEBODY'S ARM ON LIVE TV CONSTITUTE "family friendly"?!
Skormorak: I don't know. Apparently some unwritten TV law says that people can be mutilated and dismembered without any censorship, but cursing must be covered up at all times.
Kamek: I'M GONNA SUE YOU, YOU EVIL KOOPA!
(Kamek runs off sobbing.)
Skormorak: Well, tune in next week for our next Interview! End transmission, old video camera from 1987 that I got out of Mom's basement!
End Transmission
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