Lord Crump: Yo, why do you hate me?
JOHNNY: I don't hate you
Lord Crump: Then why haven't I interviewed anyone with you in a while?
JOHNNY: Well, for one it's not like I'm doing this Interview, Salty is.
Lord Crump: Yo, you promised.
JOHNNY: I know, but Salty has become overwhelmingly popular.
Lord Crump: Yo, you're smart, think of something to get him away from this Interview.
JOHNNY: Hmm... I got it!
(JOHNNY goes off and comes back.)
Lord Crump: Yo, what did you do?
JOHNNY: I made a little deal with Salty.
Lord Crump: Sweet! Then let's do this Interview, dog!
JOHNNY: Sounds good!
(JOHNNY and Lord Crump walk onstage.)
Audience: Salty! Salty! Salty!
Lord Crump: Yo, Salty isn't doing this Interview.
Audience: What?
JOHNNY: He's getting some "funds" for out interview studio.
(Mr. Salty is seen walking into Koopa Bank.)
Koopa: Welcome, what would you like to do?
(Mr. Salty pulls out a pair of scissors and walks up to the Koopa.)
Mr. Salty: Give me all your money!
(Koopa; Ah, please don't stab me! Fine, take it!)
(The Koopa gives Salty all the money in the bank.)
Back at the studio...
Lord Crump: Yo, what are we going to do with the money he steals?
JOHNNY: We'll find a use for it.
Lord Crump: Yo, please put all of your hands together for our interviewee, Goomba!
Audience: ...
Goomba: Hey, I'm special!
JOHNNY: Um, not really.
Goomba: You're mean!
Lord Crump: Yo, he don't care.
JOHNNY: You're right.
Goomba: Wow, just because I'm small and weak doesn't mean you guys can push me around like that.
Lord Crump: Actually, it does, dog.
JOHNNY: Yeah. So Goomba, let's start this Interview. Now, how in the world are you guys able to hurt Mario?
Goomba: Our teeth are sharp.
Lord Crump: I doubt that.
(Goomba walks up and bites Crump)
Lord Crump: YOUCH!
Goomba: See!
Lord Crump: Whatever, it didn't hurt that much.
JOHNNY: Sure it didn't.
Lord Crump: You want to go, punk?
JOHNNY: Bring it!
(JOHNNY and Crump start walking toward each other with their fists raised high in the air.)
zz1666: Hey, no fighting!
(JOHNNY and Crump both release their fists at each other. However, when they're about to collide with one another, they stop and open up. JOHNNY's fist resembles paper while Crump's fists resemble scissors.)
JOHNNY: No, I lost again!
Lord Crump: See, I told you that you can't beat me.
JOHNNY: You cheat!
Lord Crump: Me? Cheat? JOHNNY, how very low of you. That's almost as low as Goomba is.
Goomba: What are you asking?
Lord Crump: I'm asking why are you guys so small?
Goomba: Well, due to fact that we have no arms, it would look stupid if you just saw this big thing walking around with no arms.
JOHNNY: Why do you guys have no arms?
Goomba: We never really had a use for them.
Lord Crump: Yo, then how come you can hold a baseball bat?
Goomba: We hold it using our feet.
JOHNNY: Wait, you just said you had no use for arms, but wouldn't there be a use for them in holding a baseball bat?
Goomba: Well up until we started playing baseball we had none, but maybe since there is a use now we might get arms in the future, but it is highly unlikely.
Lord Crump: I remember hearing about something like that in a science class.
JOHNNY: You mean adaptations.
Lord Crump: Yeah, what you said!
JOHNNY: Crump, did you even pass science when you were in school?
Lord Crump: Yeah, I got a C baby, a C!
JOHNNY: Good for you, but I don't really care. So Goomba, why were you guys round in Super Mario World?
Goomba: During that time, Bowser gave us different training methods, and they made us stronger and rounded.
Lord Crump: But wait, dog, since being round made you stronger, how come you guys still aren't round?
Goomba: Look, don't tell Bowser I said this, but he isn't exactly the smartest person you'll meet.
JOHNNY: Hey, can you say that again, I need to get my tape recorder out.
Goomba: Hey, you said you wouldn't tell him!
(Goomba bites JOHNNY.)
JOHNNY: Youch!
Lord Crump: Hahah! So Goomba, how did Gloombas come to be about?
Goomba: They just kept hanging around in dark places.
Lord Crump: Since Gloombas are stronger, why are there so few Gloombas?
Goomba: Because most Goombas hate the dark.
Lord Crump: Like JOHNNY!
JOHNNY: I am not!
Lord Crump: Really? Hmm, I got an idea, dog.
JOHNNY: Crump gets an idea? This must be a sign of the apocalypse!
(Lord Crump flicks the light switch off.)
Lord Crump: This will add suspense to this Interview.
JOHNNY: Um... Yeah, I guess this isn't so bad... Yeah, don't look at me, because I definitely do not hate the dark. So Goomba, are Spiky Goombas just Goombas with spikes attached to them?
Goomba: Yes. The reason there aren't so many Spiky Goombas is because it's expensive to get a spike attached, so only rich Goombas become Spiky Goombas.
Lord Crump: Wow, I was just about to ask that.
Goomba: See, we Goombas are smart!
Lord Crump: Yo, no you’re not!
JOHNNY: Hey, he's smarter than you at least, although that's not too hard.
Goomba: True.
Lord Crump: Well I have better things to do than go to school.
JOHNNY: Like practice that messed up evil laugh of yours?
Lord Crump: Buh-huh-huh-huh! That's not funny!
Goomba: Why do you have such a weird laugh?
JOHNNY: Goomba, we're not interviewing Crump, although I think it would be a good idea, because I have a lot of questions for him. So Goomba, in Superstar Saga, why did Bowser order the Koopas to trap you in those barrels on the Koopa Cruiser?
Goomba: Bowser felt that we were no help to him on the Cruise since we couldn't move any of the crates, so he wanted to trap us in barrels to create more space on the ship.
Lord Crump: Yo JOHNNY, I can't think of any more questions.
JOHNNY: Gee, I wonder why?
(Lord Crump Me too.)
Goomba: You know, somehow I think Crump should know why he can't think of any questions.
Lord Crump: Yo, well I don't, tell me dude.
Goomba: No, I won't.
Lord Crump: Dude, don't be a bully.
JOHNNY: Yeah Goomba, because even someone as intelligent as I cannot think of any questions, so let's let the audience ask that.
Goomba: Are you serious?! Man, you guys were too stupid to get to any of the good questions. Hopefully the audience isn't as unintelligent as you two.
JOHNNY: For a tiny guy you sure like shooting your mouth off. Now, let's go with seat 20!
Prince Peasley: Since you guys are so weak and useless, why does Bowser even have you guys in the army?
Goomba: Well, like I said before, Bowser isn't the brightest guy, but I think it's because we're motivation, you know, to give everyone motivation that they won't be the weakest members of the army, and basically for us to be kind of diversions when attacking Mario, since Mario usually doesn't go all out when attacking us.
JOHNNY: Wow, this tape recorder isn't working at all today!
Goomba: Hey, put that away!
JOHNNY: Make me!
Lord Crump: Yo, no fighting, dudes. Now, how about seat 11?
Boo: Are you really evil? I mean, you Goombas don't seem evil.
Goomba: We are evil, but we're probably the least evil members in Bowser's army.
JOHNNY: Seat 3!
Petey Piranha: Are Microgoombas just baby Goombas, or are they their own species?
Goomba: Microgoombas are another species. They are basically a Goomba species that is just microscopic in size. Baby Goombas are small, but they're pretty easily seen, unlike Microgoombas, who are very hard to see even in adult form.
Lord Crump: Well, let's end this Interview with our last audience question, how about the dude in seat 65?
Iggy: How come when Mario jumps on a block inhabited by a Microgoomba, the Microgoomba doesn't pop out?
Goomba: Because the impact of the bricks breaking is enough to kill them since they're so small.
Iggy: Wait, how come Mario can't kill them and must shake them off?
Goomba: Because jumping won't kill them, as they'll just grab hold of you. You have to kill them by throwing something at them.
JOHNNY: Well, that's all the questions we have here for today.
(Mr. Salty walks in, holding a bag of coins.)
Mr. Salty: Hey everyone, look what I stole!
Lord Crump: Dude, how many coins are in there?
Mr. Salty: Maybe 2,000, I haven't checked.
(A Koopa banker walks in with two Toad cops behind him.)
Koopa Banker: (pointing to Salty) That's the guys who robbed my bank, get him!
Mr. Salty: And with that, I'm gone!
(Mr. Salty places the bag in Crump's hand and runs.)
Lord Crump: Dude, I don't want this!
JOHNNY: Run you idiot, holding that bag makes them think you're the criminal!
Lord Crump: Oh yeah.
(Lord Crump drops the bag of money and starts running with JOHNNY.)
Police Toad: Ah whatever, those coins were chocolate coins anyway.
(Police Toad pulls out a coin and eats it.)
Police Toad: AHH, this isn't chocolate, this is gold! Those were real coins! AHH, I'm in pain and now I let him get away! %^#*&^%*#!
Goomba: Ha ha, idiot. Well, since everyone's gone, guess it's over. END TRANSMISSION!
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