(A 16-year-old ginger-haired human boy who is in need of a shave- take the hint, dude- arrives at the studio. Inferno stops him.)
Inferno: Who the Underwhere are you?!
Boy: I take it you’re Inferno, then? Greetings.
Inferno: … I don’t like your attitude…
Boy: I am Jeff. Colquhoun-Kun sent me.
Inferno: Who?!
Jeff: Joshua. Colquhoun-Kun is how I would address him if we were Japanese.
Inferno: … You’re weird.
Jeff: I know. Anyway, I ran into Joshua as he passed through Toad Town. He said, “Go to my Interview Studio. Stop my crew from killing each other while I’m gone. That’s my job. Do an Interview for yourself, if you want. Of course… That means you join the crew…” So, here I am.
Inferno: … Well, if the bossman trusts you, I have no choice but to trust you as well.
(Inferno leaves.)
Jeff: MWAHAHAHAHA! Most excellent!
Inferno (from the hall leading from the studio to the break room): Uhoh, my world domination senses are tingling… Probably just Princess Shroob plotting to destroy Australia or something.
(Later…)
(The audience walks into the studio, and sits down.)
John: … Any particular reason they’re wearing handcuffs and ankle shackles?
Inferno: Our ratings are so low, we have to start using a captive audience.
John: But then we don’t make any money from ticket sales.
Inferno: We have their pin numbers.
John: … Whose idea was this?
Inferno: Mine, but we held a crew meeting and everyone voted on it, including the new guy.
(Inferno points to Jeff. He waves.)
John: Why wasn’t I invited…
(John breaks down crying.)
Jeff: Can we just get on with this?
Inferno: I leave this place in your hands.
(Inferno leaves.)
Jeff: Welcome to Joshua’s Super Interview Show.
Lemmy: You mean Le-
Jeff: Super Fist of the Ginger Hair! Fire Breath!
(Jeff roasts Lemmy.)
Jeff: Roast Koopa Prince, anyone? Anyway, tonight, I interview a random Duplighost from the Crystal Palace.
Duplighost: Yo.
Jeff: What’s with the sheet?
Duplighost: What’s under a Scotsman’s kilt?
Jeff: I am not in the mood for games. And the answer you’re looking for is “naut”, meaning nothing. Now answer my question.
Duplighost: Believe it or not, there’s nothing under it. We’re invisible creatures, apart from our eyes, so we wear the sheet so we and others can see what we’re doing.
(Jeff whips off Duplighost’s sheet, revealing nothing but a pair of eyes.)
Duplighost: Told ya.
Jeff: Fascinating. So you have no idea what you really look like?
Duplighost: Nope.
Jeff: You’re probably ugly.
Duplighost: …
Jeff: Why do you not cower when I look at you?!
Duplighost: Because, pal, I’ve been to the edge of the abyss and back! I fear nothing!
Apollo Justice: OBJECTION!! Then what is this report I have from your psychological profile about your fear… OF BUNNY RABBITS?!
(Duplighost looks stunned, and strikes a stupid pose.)
Duplighost: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Trucy Wright: You got him, Polly!
Apollo: I told you not to call me that…
Duplighost: Argh, fine. I’m afraid of bunny rabbits. I’m allergic to them. All Duplighosts are. It’s a weakness. But that’s my only fear, I swear!
Jeff: … Very well. Mr Duplighost. What many of our audience are thinking is how you have your transformation ability. I myself am puzzled at the change of mass that is possible with it. I theorized that the mass may come from and be transferred to another dimension. If this is the case, then what would happen if a being disturbed the mass while travelling through said dimension?
Duplighost: … Dude, I have NO idea what you just said.
Jeff: *sigh* If a Duplighost changes in size, it gains or loses mass. Where does the matter come from, and where does it go? An alternate dimension? And what happens if someone touches/crashes into/trips over/feeds lentil soup to it?!
Duplighost: That’s not actually how it works. Do you want the stupidly cheap, short answer, or the long, drawn out science one?
Jeff: Both, or face my Fire Breath of Justice.
Apollo: Here comes Justice!
Jeff: Shut up, Herr Forehead!
(Jeff knocks Apollo and Trucy out the window.)
Apollo: NOOOOOOOO!!! I need more Chords of Steel training!
Jeff: Heh, there goes Justice.
Duplighost: Anyway, the short answer is “magic”. The long answer is “I mimic the mana signature of whatever it is I’m copying. Everything has a unique mana signature, sort of like a fingerprint. It requires magic power, but by mimicking the mana signature, I alter my very DNA. I automatically revert to my normal form after a day, if I haven’t done so already.”
Jeff: How do you transform back?
Duplighost: I just change my mana signature back to normal, via magic.
Author’s Note: Don’t know what mana is? Play pretty much any RPG or look it up on Wikipedia.
Jeff: Does your transformation obey Hooke’s law? Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed to another form; and I assume magic is a form of energy.
Duplighost: Yep. Light, heat, and sound are created through my transformation.
Jeff: Ah, the good old laws of physics.
John: What laws of physics?! This is Plit! When people eat Mushrooms, they either grow or shrink, for crying out loud!
Jeff: That’s to do with biology, as is most of the stuff on Plit. Anyway, why did you serve the Crystal King?
Duplighost: Free dental.
Jeff: … Time for a scene change, methinks.
John: You can’t just call a scene change like that!
Jeff: I’m ginger. I can do anything I want.
John: …
Meanwhile...
(Joshua arrives in the Shiver Region.)
Joshua: Wow, I’ve come a long way in a considerably short time. Thank goodness for plotholes, I guess.
(He continues into the Crystal Palace.)
Joshua: Hmm. Nice place. I could turn it into a vacation home, for when things get a little too hot.
He continues forward, solving the various puzzles with his great intellect...
Joshua: That, and I have a strategy guide.
... He also kicks the rear of various enemies until he reaches the area where Mario fought the Crystal King.
Joshua: Where do I go from here…?
(The Crystal King materializes.)
Crystal King: … Get out of my palace, whoever you are.
Joshua: … No. This place is too peaceful. I think I can think here.
Crystal King: Tough.
(The Crystal King launches a flurry of Crystal Bits at Joshua, who fends them off with various Meteor Mash punches before hitting the Crystal King himself.)
Joshua: Ha! Steel beats Ice!
Crystal King: What do you think this is, Pokémon?!
Joshua: Well, last time I checked, steel is a whole lot harder than ice… Anyway, you can’t defeat me! I know your weakness!
Crystal King: What weakness?! I defy you to exploit this weakness!
Joshua: Challenge accepted!
(Joshua grabs the Crystal King by his robe and swings him around, Mario 64 style.)
Joshua: Round and round and round he goes! Where he stops…
(Joshua releases the very dizzy Crystal King and he lands about 10 feet away. He can’t get up due to his dizziness.)
Joshua: KINGDOM COME!!!
(Joshua obliterates the Crystal King with a HUGE burst of flame from his wand.)
Joshua: Send me a postcard; I hear it’s a nice place. Heh. I’m funny.
(No you’re not.)
Joshua: Shut up, mysterious sky voice!
(… I hate my job.)
Joshua: So’s your face!
(… That doesn’t make sense.)
Joshua: “So’s your face” always makes sense. Now go away, I need to think.
(Joshua melts some snow in his hand, and looks at his reflection in the water. It suddenly takes the appearance of Shadoo.)
Joshua: GAH!
(He drops the water and clutches his head.)
Joshua: In a way, it makes sense… I’ve always been different… I guess this is just why. What do I do about Queenie, though… I mean, she dated my… father… There’s a plotline right out of a soap opera for ya. I mean… I love her… I think. I dunno whether she loves me though… And who’s to say Shadoo won’t attack again? I think… the best thing right now is to find out how the Shadow Queen really feels. But one day… One day, I’ll have to face him again. Guess I’d better head back to the studio. That place must be falling apart.
(BACK TO TEH INTERVIEW!!!)
Jeff: So, what were you when you were alive?
Duplighost: Who said I was dead?
Jeff: Your name implies that you are dead.
Duplighost: We were given that name because of our sheets, our eyes, our invisibility, and our transformation ability. Not because we’re dead.
Jeff: Oh. Any relation to Tanoombas?
Duplighost: Perhaps, but it would be on a third-cousin lev-
King Boo: DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!!
Duplighost: Why?
King Boo: It’ll get us a lawsuit from Shady Parakoopa so fast, our heads will spin.
Duplighost: Oh.
Jeff: Moving on.
John: Actually, it’s time for audience questions.
Katie (suddenly walking through the door): Hello Jeff. Actually, it’s time for the K.C. Roulette, since we haven’t done it in a while and because I said so. SPIN!
(A roulette wheel spins. The spinner lands on Max.)
Max: Ow!
Katie: And the event is… Listen to random rants!
(Lord Seth, Crazy Packers Fan, Al Gore, Shady Parakoopa, Dark Koopa, and pretty much anyone you can think of who regularly rants for no reason appear and rant endlessly to Max.)
Max: MMMMMAKEEE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPP!!!
Katie: I love my life.
Jeff: Ok…
John: Time for the Super Number Randomizer…
Jeff: … This is dumb.
John: Yeah.
Jeff: How do I use this thing?
John: Just say “Randomize”.
Jeff: … Randomize? … Block 1, Row 12, Seat 5?
Koopatrol: Why did you only assume the form of Mario’s partners when you fought him?
Duplighost: We thought he’d get confused.
Jeff: Randomize… Block 4, Row 6, Seat 8.
Dark Boo: In the Crystal Palace, how could you screw up transforming into Kooper so badly?
Duplighost: We had transformed previously, but none of us really knew what Kooper looked like. It was poor planning on our part.
Jeff: That’s enough. End Transmission.
(The audience goes back to its cells, and Joshua returns, looking quite torn up.)
Joshua: I found a shortcut from the Crystal Palace to here, but it took me through a Muth, Clubba, and *insert other huge enemy here* habitat. Ouch.
Shadow Queen: Are you all right?
Joshua: My lung may be slightly collapsed, but, yeah!
(She hugs him.)
Joshua: I have to know… How do you feel about all this?
SQ: … What I’ve done, I’ve done. What you’ve done, you’ve done. No matter who your father is, you’re still you. You’re just the half-demon genius I love. I never felt strongly about Shadoo. In truth, I was using him to try to get close to the Ancients, but he refused to talk about them. So, I left him. And now, here we are.
Joshua: In that case… I think I can do this.
SQ: Really?
Joshua: Yes. I love you.
(They embrace warmly.)
Joshua: Argh, my lung!
SQ: Oops.
Joshua: Need… medic…
(END TRANSMISSION)
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