Lemmy: Good afternoon, ladies and Koopas, it's time to play everyone's favorite game, Family Feud!
Roy: YEAH!
Roy comes running across the stage wearing boxing gloves.
Roy: I can't wait to kick some butt. Let's feud!
Lemmy: Um, Roy, you don't actually fight the other family, and you weren't even selected to represent the Koopa family.
Roy: Are you kidding me? Why not?
Bowser: Because I wanted intelligent members on my team!
Lemmy: Oh, you just got burnt!
Roy: Grr...
Lemmy: Well, you can work the point board if you want.
Roy: How do I do that?
Lemmy: If an answer said is on the board, you punch a button and that name will show.
Roy: How do I know what's on the board?
Lemmy: You'll be standing behind it with the answers.
Roy: All right, sounds good.
Lemmy: Now, let's give a big hand for our first family, the Koopa Clan!
Audience: Yeah!
Lemmy: And the team captain is Bowser.
Bowser: Gwa huh huh! That's right! I'm awesome at this game!
Lemmy: So Bowser, please introduce us to the members of your family.
Bowser: If I must. I have with me my oldest son, Ludwig, my weakest son, Iggy, my only daughter, Wendy, and my most annoying son, Morton.
Roy: You say you want intelligent members and yet you let Morton on? What gives?
Lemmy: Hey, what happened to Larry?
Bowser: He got distracted by the grass on the way here and is somewhere looking at the grass.
Lemmy: Well, now give a big hand for our second family, the Mushroom Family!
Audience: Boo!
Luigi: Don't boo us!
Lemmy: Um Luigi, the audience is entirely Koopas and Goombas.
Luigi: What? That gives the Koopa Clan a major edge.
Lemmy: Your point?
Luigi: ...
Lemmy: Anyway, since you're the team captain, introduce us to your family.
Luigi: Well uh, only Mario is actually "family" to me. So, I have my moronic brother, Mario, the cruel ruler, Peach, the swearing servant, Toad, and the clueless King.
Lemmy: Well, those are our two families. Now, let's get this feud underway!
The audience applauds.
Lemmy: Let's have our two captains up here first.
Bowser and Luigi walk up the pedestal.
Lemmy: As always, shake hands before we begin.
The two shake hands, but Bowser squeezes down so hard that he crushes Luigi's hand.
Luigi: Ah! You crushed my hand!
Bowser: Whoops, sorry.
Luigi: No you're not! You did it on purpose!
Bowser: Your point?
Luigi: ...
Lemmy: Well, buzz in first when you know an answer, and whichever person selects the more popular answer will get to choose if their family passes or plays. So, we surveyed 99 people-
Luigi: Wait, don't you guys normally survey 100 people?
Lemmy: Yes, but we got too lazy to find another person, so we just stopped at 99. So, we surveyed 99 people, top five answers are on the board. The question is... Name a track used in any Mario Kart game.
Bowser buzzes in first.
Bowser: Rainbow Road, a classic!
Lemmy: Well, let's see. Is Rainbow Road up there?
Rainbow Road appears in the number 1 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, you got the number 1 answer for 44 points. Do you want to pass or play?
Bowser: Play, obviously!
Lemmy: All right, they're playing!
Lemmy walks over to the Koopa Clan table, and Bowser sits back down.
Lemmy: All right Ludwig, we surveyed 99 people, name a track used in any Mario Kart game.
Ludwig: I'm going to say Baby Park. Everyone loves Baby Park!
Lemmy: Well, show me Baby Park!
A huge X flashes across the screen.
Lemmy: Well... I guess the people we surveyed didn't love Baby Park. Well, you got one strike, now it's your turn, Iggy. Name a track used in any Mario Kart game.
Iggy: Koopa Beach. There were a ton of versions of that.
Lemmy: Show me Koopa Beach.
Koopa Beach appears in the number 4 spot.
Lemmy: Hey nice, you got 6 points. Now it's on to you, Wendy.
Wendy: I'm going to say Sky Garden.
Lemmy: Show me Sky Garden.
Two X's flash across the screen.
Lemmy: Ouch, that's your second strike. It's up to you, Morton. Name a-
Morton: Bowser's Castle! Bowser's Castle! Bowser's Castle!
Lemmy: Pretty excited for this, I see. Show me Bowser's Castle.
Bowser's Castle appears in the number 3 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, you got 15 points! Back to you Bowser, name a track used in any Mario Kart game.
Bowser: Mario Circuit.
Mario: That's-a me!
Lemmy: Show me Mario Circuit!
Mario Circuit appears in the number 2 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, 25 points and now only 1 spot left. That dreaded number 5 spot. Ludwig, it's up to you.
Bowser: Get this or you're heading for the dungeon after this game.
Ludwig: *gulp* Um... Luigi Circuit?
Lemmy: Show me Luigi Circuit!
Three X's flash on the screen.
Lemmy: Ouch, sorry, but this is now going over to the Mushroom Family, who have been collaborating as to what the final answer is. Luigi, to steal the points, name a track used in any Mario Kart game.
Luigi: We've agreed to go with Mo-
The King: Sherbet Land!
Luigi: No, we didn't say that!
Toad: %%#&%*!
Lemmy: Well, show me Sherbet Land.
An X flashes across the screen.
Lemmy: And the 90 points go to the Koopa Clan!
Mario: You're a moron!
Peach: Oh, now when Mario calls someone a moron, they must be real stupid.
The King: Did I win?
Luigi: We lost because of you.
Lemmy: Don't fret, there are plenty of more rounds! For the next round, let's have the two females, Peach and Wendy. You girls are up!
Peach and Wendy walk up to the pedestal. They shake hands.
Lemmy: Yay, for once we have a friendly handsh-
Peach: Oh my goodness! Wendy scratched me!
Wendy: Uh... My bad.
Lemmy: Please, no more hurting the other team. Now, we surveyed 99 people, top five answers are on the board. Buzz in when you know the answer. The question is, name somebody who you would not want to get in a fight with.
Peach buzzes in first.
Peach: Princess Shroob.
An X flashes on screen.
Peach: What? This is fixed!
Lemmy: Wendy, your turn.
Wendy: The Shadow Queen.
The Shadow Queen appears in the number 3 spot.
Lemmy: Nice! You can either pass or play.
Wendy: Play, of course.
Lemmy: And the Koopa Clan is playing.
Lemmy and Wendy walk back over the Koopa Klan table. Wendy sits back down.
Lemmy: So, starting with you Bowser. You guys have 3 points to start. Name somebody who you would not want to get in a fight with.
Bowser: Well, I'd be pretty scared to fight myself if I were anybody besides me.
Lemmy: Show me Bowser!
Bowser appears in the number 5 spot.
Bowser: Are you serious? Only 1 person is scared to fight me. You got to be kidding me?
Lemmy: Ludwig, your turn.
Ludwig: Uh... uh...
Bowser: You're useless.
Ludwig: Uh... Toad!
Audience: Toad?
Bowser: What a horrible answer.
Toad appears in the number 2 spot.
Bowser: What? How are more people scared to fight Toad?
Toad is seen pointing a bazooka at the audience.
Toad: That's right, don’t mess with me.
Toad puts the bazooka away.
Lemmy: All right Iggy, Ludwig got you 4, now it's your turn.
Iggy: Roy. I never want to fight him. Unfortunately, against my will, I end up fighting him.
Lemmy: Show me Roy!
Roy appears in the number 4 spot.
Bowser: ... I quit. I quit. This cheats! How would more people rather fight me than Roy? This is fixed!
Lemmy: I can assure you, it's not. People just, well...
Luigi: Aren't afraid of you! You're weak!
Bowser: Weak? I'll show you weal!
Bowser stands up before being stopped by Lemmy.
Lemmy: Take it easy! This show might be called "family feud" but we don't do actual fighting. Now sit down!
Bowser sits down.
Lemmy: Well, you're up, Morton.
Morton: Count Bleck.
Lemmy: Show me Count Bleck.
An X blinks across the screen.
Lemmy: Ouch, that's one strike for you. Wendy?
Wendy: Some Super Paper Mario villain must be up there. If it's not Count Bleck, it must be Dimentio.
Lemmy: Show me Dimentio.
Two X's flash on the screen.
Lemmy: Ouch, two strikes.
Bowser: Please stop being dumb for just one day, kids.
Lemmy: It's all up to you, Bowser.
Bowser: Hmm, I'll have to say Gloomtail.
Lemmy: Of course! It has to be Gloomtail! Show me!
Three X's flash on the screen.
Lemmy: What?
Bowser: What?
Ludwig: What?
Iggy: What?
Morton: What?
Wendy: What?
Lemmy: Enough whats! I think it's safe to say that was a surprise. So, now it goes over to the Mushroom Family. To steal the points, you have to get who's in that number 1 spot.
Luigi: After lots of collaboration, we've decided that it's-
Mario: It's-a me, Mario!
Peach: No! You moron!
Luigi: First The King messed us up, now you.
The King: Huh?
Toad: That's what I thought.
Lemmy: Show me Mario.
Mario appears in the number 1 spot.
Mario: Yahoo for me!
Luigi: I'll be darned, Mario might have the slightest bit of a brain in that big head of his.
Peach: I agree.
Bowser: Morton! Wendy! How in the world weren't you two able to guess Mario?
Morton: I don't know.
Wendy: So, neither could you!
Bowser: Because you two nitwits put loads of pressure on me!
Lemmy: Well, the score is the Koopa Klan 93, and the Mushroom Family 99. It’s anyone's game. Now let's have Ludwig and Mario come up!
Ludwig and Mario walk up to the pedestal.
Lemmy: Shake hands.
The two shake, only Mario shakes with his foot.
Ludwig: Gross! Do something, Lemmy!
Lemmy: Hey, it's the closest we’ve came to a nice, friendly handshake. Don't complain! Now, we surveyed 99 people, top five answers are on the board. Buzz in when you have an answer. The question is, name a place someone might go to on a vacation.
Ludwig buzzes in first.
Ludwig: E.Gadd's Lab!
Bowser: Idiot! Only you would want to go there.
Lemmy: Man, you're bad at this. Show me that X!
An X flashes on the screen.
Lemmy: Knew it. Your turn, Mario.
Mario: Oho Oasis!
Lemmy: Show me Oho Oasis!
Oho Oasis appears in the number 5 spot.
Lemmy: Cool, you got 4 points. Pass or play?
Mario: Party!
Lemmy: That's not an option, moron. Pass or play?
Mario: Or.
Lemmy: STOP BEING STUPID JUST FOR FIVE SECONDS!
Mario: Play.
Lemmy: There we go.
Lemmy walks over to the Mushroom Family bench, and Mario sits back down.
Lemmy: You're up first, Luigi. Name a place where someone would want to go to on vacation.
Luigi: Glitzville. They get millions of tourists a year.
Lemmy: Show me Glitzville!
Glitzville appears in the number 3 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, that's 15 points! You're up, Peach.
Peach: Poshley Heights. For the rich and famous, like myself.
Toad: *cough* and the jerks *cough*
Peach: That was one weird cough, Toad.
Lemmy: Show me Poshley Heights!
Poshley Heights appears in the number 2 spot.
Lemmy: And there's 31 points! Toad.
Toad: Yoshi's Island. It's warm, relaxing, a long way away from Peach-
Peach punches Toad in the face.
Toad: %#!%^#^!
Lemmy: Hey, this is rated G! No swearing! Now, show me Yoshi's Island.
Yoshi's Island appears in the number 1 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, there's 39 points! It's all up to you, The King. Name a place someone would want to go to on a vacation.
The King: Water Land! Everyone loves golf!
Luigi: Um, you'd swim in Water Land, not play golf.
The King: Fore!
Lemmy: Show me Water Land!
Water Land appears in the number 4 spot.
Lemmy: Wow! You guys got them all without getting a single strike! Bravo! So, the score is now the Koopa Klan 93, the Mushroom Family 195! Don't fret, Koopa Klan, because this round is double points!
A loud alarm sounds.
Mario: Eek-eeky-eek!
Peach: That sound sacred me more than that ear-shattering alarm.
Lemmy: Oh, it's much louder. Just wait until it's triple the points.
Peach: Remind me so I can put my earplugs in.
Lemmy: So, for this round let's have Iggy and The King come up!
Iggy and The King walk up to the pedestal.
Lemmy: As always, you guys must shake hands.
Iggy puts out his hand, but The King puts out his foot.
Lemmy: I said hands.
The King withdraws his foot and puts his head out.
Lemmy: Hands!
The King puts his elbow out.
Lemmy: Ugh, I guess this is close enough. Shake.
The two shake.
Lemmy: All right, we surveyed 99 people; top five answers are on the board. Buzz in when you know an answer. N-
The King rings his buzzer.
The King: Golf!
Lemmy: I didn't read the question, stupid.
The King: Soup? I want soup!
Lemmy: No soup for you!
The King: Aw...
Lemmy: Name a villain that is most likely to be plotting some kind of evil plan as we speak.
The King buzzes in first.
The King: Bowser!
Bowser is seen scribbling something down on a piece of paper.
Bowser: Mwa huh huh, with this trap, I'll be sure to defeat Mario!
Bowser looks up to see everyone is looking at him.
Bowser: Uh...
Bowser eats the paper.
Bowser: I'm not up to anything. I swear!
Lemmy: Sure you aren't... Anyway, show me Bowser!
Bowser appears in the number 1 spot.
Lemmy: Nice, you got it! Pass or play?
The King: Let's play... golf!
Lemmy: Close enough, they’re playing!
The King walks back to his seat, and Lemmy walks over to the Mushroom Family table.
Lemmy: All right Luigi, a villain that is most likely to be plotting some kind of evil plan as we speak.
Luigi: Tatanga.
Lemmy: Show me Tatanga!
Tatanga appears in the number 2 spot.
Lemmy: Nice job! All right Mario, you're up.
Mario: Smithy! Haven't heard anything from that robotic piece of trash in a long time.
Lemmy: Show me Smithy!
Smithy appears in the number 5 spot.
Lemmy: Man, you guys are good. Your turn, Peach.
Peach: Cackletta. She's a whacked out witch.
Lemmy: Very. Show me Cackletta!
Cackletta appears in the number 3 spot.
Lemmy: I have never seen anyone this good. Toad, to make this a complete sweep, just get the next and final one!
Toad: Wario. I hope he is, since I want another lead role.
Lemmy: Show me Wario!
Wario appears in the number 4 spot.
Lemmy: I don't believe this! A sweep! Nice work! Since it's double the points, instead of earning 94 points, you guys earned 188!
Bowser: I see those math lessons have been paying off.
Lemmy: So, now the score is Koopa Klan 93, Mushroom Family 383!
Bowser: You guys stink at this.
Lemmy: But hey, don't fret, because anything can happen in…
The lights dim down.
Lemmy: Triple points round!
A siren even louder than the last one goes off.
Mario: Eek-eeky-eek!
Peach: Lemmy! You were supposed to remind me to put my earplugs in! Now I have that awful noise ringing in my ears!
Lemmy: Huh? What? Oh sorry, I couldn't hear you because I had these earplugs in. What were you saying?
Peach: That you're a moron.
Lemmy: There is no need for violence.
Bowser: Yes there is! Since we can't beat them in this, we'll just beat them with our brutal physical strength!
Lemmy: No you won't. If you want to fight so badly, go fight in the ally down the road after the show.
Bowser: Mushroom Morons. Be there. 6 o'clock.
Toad: Oh, it's on!
The King: A golf party? How wonderful!
Lemmy: I'm stopping this madness! Morton and Toad, get up here immediately!
Morton and Toad walk up to the pedestal.
Lemmy: Don't mess up this handshake.
Morton and Toad shake hands.
Lemmy: ... Did it seriously just go right?
Toad: %&%#(%&!
Lemmy: No swearing on national television!
Toad: %#%%@, that moron got frosting on my hand!
Lemmy: Were you eating wedding cake again?
Morton is seen shoving a piece of wedding cake into his mouth.
Morton: No, I swear!
Toad: No swearing!
Lemmy: Eh, can't spell Morton without moron. Now, getting back on track, we surveyed 99 people, top five answers are on the board. Buzz in when you know the answer. Name a basic minion that often appears in spinoff games.
Morton buzzes in first.
Morton: Koopa! Oh, how I love Koopa! I pick Koopa in every game! Mario Kart, Mario Tennis, Mario Baseball, Mario-
Lemmy throws a shoe at Morton.
Lemmy: Yeah yeah, we get the point. Show me Koopa!
Koopa appears in the number 1 spot.
Lemmy: Nice! Pass or play?
Morton: Play!
Lemmy: Excellent! The Koopa Klan is playing!
Morton walks back to his seat, and Lemmy walks over to the Koopa Klan table.
Lemmy: All right, you're up first Bowser.
Bowser: Boo. He's pretty good in Mario Power Tennis.
Lemmy: Show me Boo!
Boo appears in the number 3 spot.
Bowser: Am I good, or am I good?
Lemmy: Now it's your turn, Ludwig. Name a basic minion who often appears in spinoff games.
Ludwig: Uh... uh... Toad!
Bowser: For a genius, you sure stink at this game. What kind of answer is Toad?
Lemmy: Well, let's see. Show me Toad!
Toad appears in the number 4 spot. Ludwig flashes a grin over to Bowser.
Bowser: I guess I can't help it if 18 people are dumb enough to agree with you. Toad isn't even a minion.
Peach: He's my minion!
Toad is seen on a chain leash being held by Peach.
Toad: Can I quit my job?
Peach: Of course not.
Lemmy: Well, onto you, Iggy.
Iggy: Goomba!
Lemmy: Show me Goomba!
Goomba appears in the number 5 spot.
Lemmy: I don't believe this! You guys only need 1 more, and that could possibly put you in the lead! Wendy, it's all on you.
Wendy: Shy Guy!
Lemmy: Show me Shy Guy!
Shy Guy appears in the number 2 spot.
Lemmy: This is unbelievabl,e folks! If my math is correct, the Koopa Klan has pulled off a last round upset, and have won by 1 point!
Luigi: Since you're bad at math, let me add this up.
Luigi adds up the points.
Luigi: %#@%, he's right.
Toad: %#&%(@%^!
Peach: %#@^@!
Mario: What does %#@^@ mean?
The King: Golf!
Lemmy: Sorry losers, you lose!
Lemmy presses a button and a trapdoor appears underneath the Mushroom Family table, and all five of them fall through.
Bowser: Where did they go?
Lemmy: To this studio’s dungeon.
Bowser: A public television show that sends its losers to a dungeon? That's a little violent. Which is why I like this show! Bwa-huh-huh-huh!
Lemmy: Well, that's all the time we have here for today!
Bowser: Wait, what happened to fast money?
Lemmy: We got rid of it.
Bowser: Why you little-
Larry: What happened?
Bowser: Larry?
Larry has several scars on his face and is bleeding in several places.
Bowser: What happened?
Larry: You left me behind and I was attacked by Bandits.
Bowser: Oh boo hoo.
Larry: I'm gonna-
Lemmy: Geez, this is way too violent to be shown. Thanks for watching, folks, be sure to send us lots of money now! Heh-heh!
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