Lemmy: Welcome, everyone, to Marioverse's Funniest Commercials!
Roy: I hate commercials. They're so boring.
Lemmy: I am the great, spectacular, tremendous-
Roy: Quit the lying.
Lemmy: The Lemmy Koopa! I am hosting the first annual Marioverse's Funniest Commercials! Oh, and Roy is co-host, but he's dumb, and smells.
Roy: I think you were talking about yourself there.
Lemmy: Anyway, yes, commercials take time away from our favorite shows. But on occasion, there are funny ones that have made us laugh.
Roy: No there aren't.
Lemmy: Shut up! Anyway, here we're going to show you the funniest commercial of all time! First, let's take a look at the many of commercials that have been entered. Shall we start?
Roy: No..
Lemmy: Too bad!
**** A Baseball Boy is seen at a slot machine in some fancy casino. He loses at the slots.
Baseball Boy: Darn it, I always lose!
Iggy pops out of the slot machine.
Iggy: Tired of-
Baseball Boy starts whacking Iggy with his baseball bat.
Baseball Boy: Die, zombie!
Iggy: Ahh! I'm not a zombie! I'm Iggy.
Baseball Boy stops hitting Iggy.
Baseball Boy: Oh.
Baseball starts hitting him again.
Baseball Boy: Die, Iggy!
Iggy: Ahh! Stop that! I want you to come to Iggy's Casino!
Baseball Boy stops.
Baseball Boy: What's that?
Iggy: It is a great casino where everyone wins!
Iggy throws a smoke bomb on the ground, and magically, they appear in a horrible, rundown casino.
Baseball Boy: This place stinks!
Iggy: Yes, but everyone wins. Try!
Baseball Boy goes to the slots. When he begins, he notices that all the symbols are different.
Baseball Boy: It's impossible to win!
Iggy: Heh-heh, it's the fun that counts!
Baseball Boy: I'm gonna hurt you.
Iggy: Another great day at Iggy's Casino, the place where everyone is a winner!
****
Wario: Hey everyone! Ever wanted a game that was fairly simple?
Kid: Yeah!
Wario: Then come on down to Wario’s Slightly Easier Gamestore! We have board games with half of the spaces,half of the players, half of the items, even half of the spinner. If you aren't pleased with simple board games, try our Much Easier Videogame department where we take half of the plot away, half of the characters, half of the bosses, half of the saving and loading time, even half of the instruction booklet!But that's not all! Everything you buy comes with a free WarioWare game! (mumbling) For 50 dollars. (loud) SO COME ON DOWN TO WARIO'S SLIGHTLY EASIER GAME STORE!
****
Are you scared of going to the doctor?
The screen shows Bowser's Castle full of metal objects and Iggy in a doctor costume.
Well you don't have to be anymore at Doctor Mario's hospital! We offer care and comfort that you can't get at a traditional hospital, we offer you a nylon silk blanket on a leather reclining seat, with a headset featuring CALMING SONGS from Lemmy's CDs!
Doctor Mario: Who wouldn't-a want to be near me now?
Not to mention our skilled staff of plumbers who were trained in Virus removal?
Doctor Mario: Better mention it to them!
Our skilled staff of plumbers who were trained in Virus removal!
Doctor Mario: Better! So come-a on down to Doctor Mario's-
Iggy comes in with a saw and knocks Mario over.
Iggy: No, come to MY HOSPITAL!
****
The camera opens up to a stage filled with badly drawn cardboard props such as clouds and Goombas, the regular. Toad, Toadette, Toadsworth, Wart, and Paratroopa are standing around.)
Toadsworth: Wario's Woods 2! The game where you blow things up! Starring Toad!
Toad: I get another game, yay!
Toadsworth: And of course, Wart!
Wart: Ha! I get to be the main villain again! In yo' fayce, Wario!
Toad: You're supposed to be pretending to be Wario, you stupid frog...
Also featuring the helpful item giver, Paratroopa!
Paratroopa: How does that even work!?
And the ever present player 2, Toadette!
Toadette: Um... Yay... I think...
Toadsworth: Wario's Woods 2, buy it, or Toad gets fired!!!
Toad: Why me?!
A cardboard cloud falls on Toadsworth and knocks him over.
Paratroopa (with laptop) Umm, the game comes out on the same day as Resident Weegee 7, I think you'd better be looking for a new job.
Toad: Aww...
****
Are you feeling glum?
Bowser: Yeah.
Did you lose to your arch foe?
Bowser: (staring at photo of Mario) Yeah!
Did that foe take your love?
Bowser: THIS IS TRUE!!!
Then you need the Garlic Necklace!
Bowser steals the Necklace.
Bowser: BOWSER WILL WIN PEACH'S HEART WITH GARLIC!!!
Peach: YOU SMELL!!!
Mario: So long, Bowser!
Bowser: Darn...
This works for all species except humans! Now find your love today! **** Mario is walking when Bowser Jr. comes and kicks Mario in the shin and bites his left ear. Mario: OWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE THE PAIN!!! Bowser Jr: Are you in pain? Mario: YESS! WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? Bowser Jr: Then you need my Pain Be Gone Goop! Bowser Jr. gives Mario a sample. Mario puts it on his wounds. Mario: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! IT'S EVEN WORSE NOW, YOU- Bowser comes and drags him off the screen. Bowser Jr: Fresh! **** Buzzy Beetle: Raaaaaa... Vet: Don't worry, you'll be out of that cage soon! Buzzy Beetle: Ra-rarrar? Vet: Now now, wait a moment! We have a customer! Mario: Hello! Vet: Welcome to the shelter, want a free pet today? Mario: Is that a Buzzy Beetle? Vet: Why yes, take him! He wants a good home! Mario: Why do they-a call them Buzzy-a Beetles when-a they don't have wings-a and aren't beetles? Vet: I don't know, take him! He's so cute! Mario: No, it's got a weird name. Buzzy Beetle: Raaaaaaaaaaaa… Vet: Oh, don't give me those eyes! Narrator: See how many Buzzy Beetles are neglected daily, even in a shelter? Well now you can adopt your very own for free, and help end this tragedy! Mario: Is that a Yoshi? Vet: Yes. Mario: But they aren't Japanese! **** Ludwig: Mr. Hoot, how many licks does it take to get to the chocolatey chewy *starts drooling* center of a Kootsie Pop? Hoot: Let’s find out. A one, a two, a three! *chomps* Ludwig looks depressed. Announcer: How many licks does it takes to get to the center of a Kootsie Pop? The world may never know! **** Four injured Koopas are sitting at a table. They've just been beaten up by Mario. Koopas: Ow.. . Koopa 1: This stinks. Koopa 2: Mario stinks. Suddenly the four Ninja Koopas come in, breaking a wall. Koopa Bros: We are- Koopa 3: What is this, a Kool-Aid Man commercial? You don't break walls for this kind of stuff! Koopa Bros: Anyways... We're the Four Ninja Koopas! And we're here to help you on your quest to defeat Mario. Koopa 4: Sure… Red Koopa Bro: With this... DUN DA DUN NAH NANA Koopaid! The four other Koopas shrug and then drink the Koopaid. Koopa 1: I feel the power in me rising! Other 3 Koopas: Me too! Koopa Bros: Then our task here is finished. The Koopas then leave, breaking another wall and causing the rest of the building to fall on the Koopas. Koopas: Ow... **** Announcer: Coming soon to theaters… Koopa Bros: WE ARE A MOVIE! Announcer: Soon to be everywhere, it is the Koopa Bros. destroying the evil Mariodder. Black Koopa Bro: AYEEEEEEEEEE!!! Lawyer: Will not be shown due to copyright reasons. **** The camera cuts to a young Goomba playing on an NES. Narrator: Are you sick of the best games only being nearly 10 years old? Goomba: *looks around in shock* Who said that?! Narrator: Fear not, from Kooperman Industries comes a special handful of brand new Nintendo games! Goomba: Seriously, who's talking? The ceiling? The camera shows a bunch of poorly designed game boxes, then the Goomba instantly pops into the scene. Goomba: Where am I?! Narrator: Introducing Luigi's Dollhouse! All the horror of exploring a four-room mansion, with the terrors of plastic ghosts! A plastic Boo toy, obviously held by strings, flies by the Goomba. Goomba: That's great and all, but I've really got to- Narrator: And if that's not enough excitement, then try The Legend of Helga: Half-Past-Noon Princess! Play as a young banker saving an entire land from the shadowy creatures of 12:30 PM! Shadow hand puppets are shown on a wall, Goomba not looking impressed. Goomba: I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be Zel- Narrator: Finally, Hectris! An addictive puzzle game that's still spanning the globe today! Several blocks, or rather orbs connected together, all fall from the sky, nearly crushing the Goomba. Goomba: I want my mama! Narrator: Try all three for $49.99 each! *fast voice* Kooperman Industries is not responsible for damages done to any Goomba, Koopa, or living things in existence. Kooperman Industries also accepts the right to produce complete ripoffs of popular games- ACK! The narrator is clubbed from behind by a Goomba mother. *** Cut to a Goomba (from the previous commercial) working in a flower garden. Narrator: Hey there, kid! Are you tired of working your nonexistent hands to the bone to make the best garden anyone's ever seen? Goomba: *looks behind himself in fright* Oh dear DAD, tell me this isn't happening again... Narrator: Then you need the deluxe Instant Plant Growth! A huge box suddenly appears over the garden (and the Goomba), opening, then pouring a moundful of dirt on the garden and Goomba. Goomba: Ackpth! Help me! Somebody help me! Narrator: In seconds, your garden will produce beautiful flowers without any water! The entire mound suddenly sprouts roses. The Goomba ends up trapped within the thorns, all scratched and pricked up. Goomba: Help... me... Suddenly a whole wave of Yanma swarm the plants. Goomba: Yanma?! Those don't even exist here! Narrator: Uh oh! Locust infestation! But that's not a problem, with the deluxe Pest-B-Gone! To the Goomba's shock, a large can of bug spray appears and unleashes a cloud of insecticide, not only killing the Yanma but giving the Goomba a nasty coughing fit. Goomba: I *cough* can't breathe! Somebody *hack* kill the voice! Narrator: For the low, low price of $39.99, you too can create and protect your beautiful garden from pests, including locusts, wasps, and Pokemon! Also, if you call right now, you can get the deluxe Weed Killer! This tool can reduce a weed into powder in seconds flat! The Goomba falls out of the thorny, pesticide-covered rose garden, seriously injured. Goomba: Mr. Whoever-You-Are... May I... try the Weed Killer? Narrator: Well, sure, son! The Weed Killer appears near the Goomba. Narrator: Now be careful with that, it's a prototype... Hey, what are you doing?! Goomba: I've had enough of your fake commercialism, creep! The Goomba holds up the Weed Killer, blades spinning fast. Narrator: Now, calm down, sonny... We can work this out... NO! DON'T! PUT THAT DOWN! Goomba: DIEDIEDIE!!! Transmission ends before anything nasty can happen. **** No One Cares: Hello! Welcome to the first national Mushroom Kingdom campaign interview! Today, we have Princess Peach... Peach: AUGH, I BROKE A NAIL! Announcer Guy: Bowser... Bowser: AUGH, I BROKE A BONE! Announcer: Wario... Wario: AUGH, I BROKE WIND. Announcer: And an ostrich. Ostrich: *Ostrich Noise* Announcer Guy: Now, I ask all of you, how do you plan to help the kingdom's economy? Peach: It's too good for the peasants. Did you know that they actually sleep in BEDS? Only I'm allowed to do that! We need more money for a security system! Bowser: Get rid of the security system, and give it to the people, I guess. We can put it in a pinata so I can see them fight over it. Wario: I'm a communist. Ostrich: *Ostrich Noise* Announcer: All of you were absolutely and thoroughly brilliant! Now, how do you plan to help our alliances with other countries? Peach: Eww, other countries smell bad. You know some of them only have people bathe once a week? Bowser: If you elect me, I promise to stop the wars with the Koopa Kingdom! Heh... heh. Wario: LET'S GO TO WAR WITH EVERYONE ELSE AND SEE HOW FAST I BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD! Ostrich: *Two ostrich noises* Announcer: Brilliant, everyone. It seems that the ostrich had a lot to say on that subject. He most certainly cares about us. What do the other candidates think about that? Peach: Don't care. Bowser: Who? Wario: Does anyone have a lighter? Ostrich: *Ostrich noise* Announcer: Brilliant! Now, what's top priority for when you become president? Peach: I'm better than everyone else. Bowser: We need a dungeon. Wario: Free lighters for everyone! Ostrich: *Ostrich noise* Announcer: Well, that's all, folks. I'm personally leaning towards Ostrich, but what about YOU?! **** TRANSMISSION BEGINS Narrator: Has this ever happened to you? Mashi: Oh noes, I'm sad because my favorite Campfire Tale isn't active. Narrator: Well fear no more, because we have the perfect solution, the CampFirebar Tales Computer CD ROM! Mashi: Yay. Narrator: Now let’s hear from some of our satisfied customers. Mashi: Do I get a chocolate bar? Narrator: No... It's your very own CampFirebar Tales that tells you stories about almost all of Mario's adventures, and best of all is you can change the stories for your own personal masterpeice. Mashi: Yay... But do I still get the chocolate bar? Narrator: No, but you can have Mario get one. Mashi: Goomba plushie wearing a Mario hat? Narrator: No, but you can tell stories about a Goomba wearing a Mario hat with it. Mashi: How about- Narrator: No. Mashi: What abou- TRANSMISSION ENDED **** The scene opens up to a desk with Larry behind it. Larry is wearing a headset and holding what is obviously a cardboard Super Mushroom. Larry: Hi, it's me, Larry, for the Shroomwow! It's like a towel, it's like a Mushroom, watch, we're gonna' do this in real time. See this? Followin' me, camera guy? Chuckola cola, all over the carpet! Just lay down the Shroomwow, punch it a few times, and all of it's gone! Did Petey Piranha throw up on your vacation home again? No problem! Did little Baby Luigi wet himself? The Shroomwow can handle that! Don't take my word for it, listen to the customers! Birdo is shown holding a Shroomwow. Birdo: Birdo, Bir bir do birdo. Donkey is shown Kong holding a Shroomwow. He makes monkey noises and throws a coconut. Toadette and Toad are shown standing next to each other, Toadette holding a Shroomwow. Toadette: Why are you making me hold a cardboard 1-Up? Toad: Toadette, that's not a 1-Up, that's a Shroomwow! Toadette: Really? Well… Both: Shroom freaking wow! Larry: Here's how to order, just call 1-555-WOW-SHRM today! **** Cut to a Koopa fishing on a dock at the lake/ Narrator: Look at this poor Koopa. The Koopa almost drops the rod in shock. Koopa: Yipe! Who's there?! He takes the rod and arms it like a weapon. Narrator: Three days sitting there and not one bite! Koopa: Uh... Actually, it's been an hou- Narrator: That's why you need THIS! The Super Deluxe Fish Catcher 9000! Aa highly technological fishing rod suddenly appears next to the Koopa, startling him/ Koopa: Woah! Wait... That voice sounds familiar… Narrator: With this fishing rod, you'll never have to spend a week on the dock catching nothing but water! Koopa: (picking it up) I said I've been here for an hour- Narrator: Simply whisk your line and it automatically targets a big catch! The Koopa looks at the line, and around for the voice. Shrugging, he casts the line as told. The hook's fish-sensors kick in, and within seconds the Koopa almost gets pulled off the dock. Koopa: Woah! This thing really works! What'd I get, black bass? Koi? He reels it in only to find a HUGE Boss Bass grinning at him, licking its lips. Koopa: ... Mother. The Boss Bass smacks the Koopa in the water, in pursuit of lunch. After many hard hits on the fish's head, the Koopa reaches shore exhausted. Koopa: Oh DAD... That was the scariest thing I've ever been through. Narrator: Fish getting to be a real pain? Then you need, for the Super Deluxe Fish Catcher 9000, a special cage trap! A tiny cage-shaped bobber appears on the end of the rod. Startled again, the Koopa reluctantly goes ahead and casts the rod. Once the Boss Bass gets close to the bait, the cage grows to a large size, trapping the Boss Bass. The Koopa pulls it in, smiling that the thing that tried to eat him is now behind bars. Koopa: Well, what do you know? The Boss Bass slowly bends the bars and leans close to the Koopa. Koopa: ... Not much. After yet another near-death experience with a giant fish, the Koopa, heart racing, starts to leave. Narrator: Still the fish won't come? Koopa: No, now leave me alone! You've nearly gotten me killed! I could've been soup! Narrator: Then, for the Super Deluxe Fish Catcher 9000, comes special fish bait! Even the most stubborn fish can't resist this! A tennis ball container-shaped can of fish food appears. The Koopa picks it up and looks at it for a second before facing the narrator/ Koopa: No fish can resist this, you say? Narrator: That's right! Koopa: In that case... EAT THIS, YOU MANIAC! He flings a handful of fish food on the narrator before scampering away as the Benny Hill Show theme song plays. Narrator: Pew! Bleh! What was that for? He looks and sees a Boss Bass staring directly in his face, licking lips. Boss Bass: Ooh, lunchtime! *puts on a bib* Narrator: ... Meep. **** Luigi: Gotcha! Luigi jumps to hit a ? Block but misses quite spectacularly and falls on his head. Luigi: OUCH! It's-a no good! I can't get that Ultra Shroom! I guess my-a jumping abilities aren't as good as they once were... Announcer: Feeling like your high jump just isn't high enough anymore? Luigi: You're darn right I am... Announcer: Then what you need is Power Jump! The new, medicated foot cream that relaxes the muscles in your foot! Luigi: Really? And how much is that? Announcer: A normal 100-coin value, yours for only 19 coins! Plus shipping and handling. Luigi: I don't need it shipped and handled, just give it to me! Announcer: Here you go then, sir. Luigi gives the announcer 19 coins and gets a tube of Power Jump. He takes off his shoes. Announcer: AAARGH! Err, sorry folks, this might happen when people are in the room and the customer hasn't cleaned his feet in weeks! BLARGK! The announcer runs out of the room, covering his nose. Luigi: Okay, applied it. WOW! I can feel it going to work already! Okay, Weege, let's-a do this! Having put his shoes back on, Luigi goes under the ? Block and jumps. He takes off like a rocket. Luigi: WOOOOAAAAAH!!! He strikes the ? Block, which shatters into millions of pieces, and hits the ceiling, making a crater in it but getting stuck in it all the same. Luigi: Ow. He falls back to the ground just as Mario walks by carrying a ladder under one arm, picking up the fallen Ultra Shroom with his free hand. Luigi: Mario... What are you doing here...? Mario: *sigh...* Luigi! You tried to hit a higher up ? Block again! Didn't I tell you I brought this ladder for that kind of purpose? Luigi: ... Luigi faints. Announcer's voice: Call now and order Power Jump, a 100-coin value all yours for only 19 coins plus shipping and handling. Just call 1-800-DA-POWAH. Product of Koopa Corp, we are not responsible for the customer's stupidity, recklessness, or carelessness of use of this product, use at own risk. **** Bowser is seen watching TV TV: Are you lonely? Bowser looks around Bowser: Yes! TV: Are you depressed? Bowser: Yes! TV: Are you in a beanbag chair eating Kootos? Bowser: This TV is good! TV: Will you help the starving Shy Guys in Sub-con? Bowser: Nope. That is Wart's job! **** Larry Koopa appears on screen. Larry: Hello. I'm Larry Koopa, and I'm here to talk to you about something very sad that's occurring quite often these days. It's called character hating. For example, take this poor soul here. Bowser Jr: *sob, cry, cry, sob* Larry: As you can see, he is very upset right now. Why, you ask? Because of people like this... Random Guy: BOWSER JR STINKS!!! Larry: See, lately, many videogame characters have been on the receiving end of... more than one hateful comment. But, does anyone stop and think about how this is affecting said characters? No they don't. And as a result, said characters turn out like Junior here. So please, don't be like Random Guy. Donate money to the Larry Koopa Association, and help stop character hating. Disclaimer: thelarrykoopaassociationmmayormaynotactuallyexist Bowser Jr: *whine, sob, cry* Larry: Uh, you can stop crying now. The commercial's over. Bowser Jr: *sob* We're still filming, you idiot! *sniff* Larry: ... Oh, shoo- *END TRANSMISSION* **** The voice of a Boo is heard over a montage of Princess Peach pictures. Princess Peach has let the entire kingdom down. She pushed for higher taxes. She has refused to lift the nine-game embargo on the Koopa Kingdom. She has repeatedly vetoed the Protect Minorities Act, leaving thousands of Shy Guys, Bob-ombs, Piranha Plants, and Boos vulnerable to public discrimination. When asked about security, Princess Peach stated: Peach: Uh, aren't the Toads supposed to take care of that? Does this mean she is out of touch? Is this who you want running your kingdom? Our princess does secret backroom deals with suspicious characters. *shows picture of Luigi* She even voted yes to the Public Nuisance Act, making scaring a federal crime. Princess Peach. Irresponsible. Out of touch. Racist. The Mushroom Kingdom deserves better. Pledge your vote to King Boo today. King Boo: I'm King Boo, and I approve this message, heh heh. *Paid for by Boos For A Better Tomorrow* **** A new game is coming to town! That's right, Mario Madness 3! Audience: No! Announcer: Yes, now shut up! As I was saying, play as your favorite Marioverse Idiot, such as Ludwig, Boo, and Dry Bone's TV'S! Thisgamemayormaynotberiggedandmayormaynotcausementalinsanity. Buy today! At only 63,628,737 coins! **** Bowser: Want a good place to go for vacation? Well, I've got just the place for you! Come on down to Dark Land! The best part is it costs absolutely nothing to go there! We have a warm climate! Toads are seen hanging from chains over a lava pit. Bowser: Plenty of sun! A Goomba is seen being blinded by a laser beam light. Bowser: Family friendly hotels! A dungeon full of dead people is shown! Bowser: Great games! A group of Shy Guys are seen trying to dodge Bullet Bills being shot at them. Bowser: And best of all, ensured safety! Come on down to Dark Land for a free, great vacation! I mean, it only costs you your life! Ain't that cheap? **** Toadette: Introducing the Wassle! The ultimate green car! A Yoshi is setting in the background. Toadette: It goes to speeds on par with your usual car! The Yoshi walks a couple steps on par with a normal human's walk. Toadette: It sends out very little emissions! The Yoshi toots, and a Goomba walking by dies. Toadette: It is absurdly safe! A Koopa, now riding on the Yoshi, is going across the street. The Yoshi sees a fruit stand o the other side while traffic is at its peak. The Yoshi runs towards the stand and gets hit by a semi. The Koopa dies.) Toadette: It takes very little fuel! Another Koopa feeds the Yoshi a fruit and rides it for a minute. The Yoshi goes SMS empty belly on him. Toadette: And best of all, it withstands any conditions! It starts raining. SMS water reaction. Toadetter: Buy a Wassle today! **** It's Fitness for Morons, with everyone's favorite fitness guru, Don Lacedown! A really buff Hammer Bro is on screen, with videos of customers using his Ribbon Flex 3.5. Don Lacedown: My new videos will help you achieve that perfect body! Without all the work and planning bodybuilding requires! Just take a look at what my satisfied customers have to say! Satisfied Customer (Bob-omb): It really works! He is handed 500 coins by off-screen person. Another Satisfied Customer (Toad): (obviously reading from script) Uh, before I started using Fitness for Morons I was a loser. But now, I am a winner. All of the chicks dig me. It has opened me up to new... Uh, does that say "possums”? A Boo: I don't even have an earthly body, so why should I bother with- Don Lacedown: I guarantee that if you don't lose up to ten pounds within the first month, I will refund every penny of your purchase price! Order my Fitness for Morons videos, my RibbonFlex 3.5, AND my best-selling book "Suckers Go to the Doctor", ALL for the LOW, LOW Price of 150 coins! (Plus 50 coins S&H!) So order now!! Call this toll free number: 1-800-FIT-LIFE! That's 1-800-FIT-LIFE! **** Hammer Bro: Any one who has memory problems, come on down! We can restore memory. It shows a Hammer Bro beating the brains out of a Toad. Hammer Bro: Also, we have a fitness program. It shows a whole ton of Toads working in a gold mine with Hammer Bros. beating them with hammers. Hammer Bro: And everything is incredibly cheap! Only sell your soul to me! So come on down to Hammer's Place of Pai- I mean peace! Warning: Hammer Bros. may or may not be lying and/or insane. **** Announcer: Buy the new "Know-It-All 5000"!! It includes: -A helmet. -A CD with all the answers to everything in the world. Insert the CD in the helmet, put it on your head, and you're done! Thousands of satisfied clients! Mario, Moron: I learned from where the cheese comes! Did you know that it comes from the supermarket? Toad, Pitiful Slave: I learned how to finally convince Peach to raise my payment! He enters through a door that says "Peach's Office". Some minutes later, he exits with a sad face. Peach comes out behind him. Peach, Bossy Princess: And I learned how to refuse to raise my slaves' salaries! Buy it now, calling to the 555-I-KNOW-ALL! Cheap prices! *muffled* Only for 69,746,546,464,606 coins **** Mario: Hey, Mario here to show you the brand new, never seen before, Sunshades! This isn't just any normal shades, it's Mario's M Shades! It's better then any other glasses or shades in the world! They protect your eyes from burning in the sun, help you see things more clearly, and even more! Wario: Wow! How much? Mario: Just for $29.99! Wario: Is it in stores? Mario: No, but if you call now, you will get two extra pair of M Shades! The number is 123-4567-8456-5267! Again, that number is 123-4567-8456-5267! Toad: Mario, what are you doing in Peach's Castle? Mario: See what happens if this normal, average Toad gets set on fire! Toad: Wait... what? Mario throws a fireball at Toad. Toad: MARIO, I'M ON FIRE! Mario: Get these M Shades now! We can't do this commercial all day. folks, so again, that number is 123-4567-8456-5267! Again, 123-4567-8456-5267! Toad: DOES ANYONE CARE I'M ON FIRE HERE?! Mario: No! But, these M Shades could help you see more clearly! Mario throws Toad the Shades and Toad wears them Toad: Wow, these really do work! The fire seems so more... life-like! Mario: So again, that number is 123-4567-8456-5267! Call in the next twenty minutes, and you get some sunscreen, a rock, a broken Gamecube, and this fake mustache! That number again is 123-4567-8456-5267! Once again, 123-4567-8456-5267! **** A Lakitu, a Dry Bones, and a Boomerang Bro are all sitting around, eating fast food from "Captain Yoshi's Fish Fry". All the bags are facing the camera so that each of the logos is completely visible. Boomerang Bro: Did you ever wonder where they got the secret sauce that makes Captain Yoshi's Crispy Fish Fins so tasty? Dry Bones: I always figured that it was some family recipe. Boomerang Bro: Really? I used to think that it was some sort of accidental creation in the kitchen- you know, used too much of this or added some of that or something. Dry Bones: Could be. What do you think? Lakitu: Hmm... The scene dissolves to a shot of a bearded Yellow Yoshi in an admiral's cap, obviously the same Captain Yoshi from the restaurant's logo, climbing to a monastery atop a snowy mountain. Three cloaked figures block the entrance of the monastery. The middle figure points a long arm at Captain Yoshi. Cloaked Figure: So you wish to attain the secret to the tastiest seafood sauce in the universe. Captain Yoshi: I have traveled many days and many nights to learn this secret. Cloaked Figure: Very well. If you can defeat us three Masters of the Sauce, the secret is yours. But beware: many have tried and many have failed. Captain Yoshi: I shall succeed where my predecessors have failed. The three cloaked figures lunge at Captain Yoshi, while Captain Yoshi charges at the three cloaked figures. The shot immediately changes back to the Lakitu, the Dry Bones, and the Boomerang Bro. The Dry Bones and the Boomerang Bro are staring at the Lakitu. Lakitu: ... Err, maybe it was just some family recipe. The shot changes completely red, save for the Captain Yoshi's Fish Fry logo and the slogan: Narrator: Captain Yoshi's Fish Fry - Our secret sauce is guaranteed to make your lunch nautical. **** Green Koopa: Come on down to Roy's cafe. It's filled with friendly service, nice food, and fast service. You can order stuff like fish, mushrooms, and salads. Goomba: Umm.,, Green Koopa: And it's cheap. Goomba: Ok. The Goomba runs in. Green Koopa: Let's see an actual customer. The scene changes to a family of Toads sitting down. A Red Koopa comes up. Red Koopa: What would you like to order? Toad Mom: What's good on the menu? Red Koopa: How would I know?! I'm not the freak who eats menus!!! Toad Mom: I mean, what would you recommend? Koopa: The pasta place down the street. Toad Mom: I mean in here. Koopa: Nothing. Toad Dad: in that case, I'll take the fish, my wife will have the salad, and some bread for Jr. over here. Koopa: Ok. 5 hours later… Red Koopa: Here's your food. The Toads start eating it. They all die from food poisoning. Red Koopa: Happens every time. Green Koopa: If you would like to make reservations, just call 555-555-5555 until you get somewhere. Bye. **** A crazed Luigi holding a silver hammer approaches a strangely-scared Bowser. Bowser looks left and right, then takes a deep breath... but the only thing to come out of Luigi is bad breath. The plumber leaps and the camera freezes just as the hammer's about to connect with Bowser's head. Bowser (voiceover)L Has this ever happened to you? Bowser walks in front of the screen. Bowser: Hi, I'm Bowser Koopa, and believe me, there's nothing more dangerous than seeing a short plumber with a hammer UP CLOSE, especially when you realize that your ability to breathe fire has gone! Well, fear not, good fire-breathing citizens of the world! Bowser holds up a small tin box with what appears to be an 8-bit Bowser breathing fire. Bowser: With Scaltoids, the intense spiciness of a single mint not only cures your terrible halitosis, but gives you my ability! The camera pans to show a badly-drawn Koopa walking against a white background. A similarly-drawn female Koopa approaches the Koopa. Bowser (voiceover): Ever try to ask a pretty girl out but rejection occurs because your breath stinks? Female Koopa (voiced by Wendy): Eww, you're stinky and poor! The scene rewinds. This time the Koopa takes one of the Scaltoids mints and eats it. The scene resumes as normal, as Koopa approaches Female Koopa. Female Koopa: You smell nice and all, but you're still poor. Bowser (voiceover): And if that's not enough, just show her not to mess with you! The Koopa sets Female Koopa ablaze. Female Koopa: HELP! DADDY! HELP ME! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GIVE THIS SMELLY POOR THING THE MINTS?! I OUGHTA SUE YOU FOR CHILD ABUSE AND TURNING ME INTO THIS STINKY DRAWING YOU MADE OF A KOOPA! I DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE HER! Bowser (voiceover): Call 1-900-SCALTOIDSARETHEBEST for more information! Win dates and set your enemies ablaze! **** Announcer: Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion! Morton: Hi, I'm Morton Koopa Jr, president and CEO of Morton’s Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion Emporium and Warehouse. Due to a late Paratroopa mail delivery, I am now currently overstocked on all Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minions and I am passing the savings on to yoouuu! Make a splash at your next buisness meeting! Protect your crops! Terrify your neighbors! Guard your castle! Kidnap a princess! Invade a country! Build a battlestation big enough to destroy an entire level! Or just raise the roof! So for all your Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion needs, come on down to the Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion Emporium and Warehouse, route 10 in Dinosaur Land!! The Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion company is not responsible for any harm caused to customers including maiming, burning, biting, shooting, crippling, poisoning, spontaneous combustion, being repeatedly hit on the head with a shovel, or death. There are no refunds on this item, prices may vary. *** Lemmy: Haha, oh wow, those commercials were hilarious! Roy suddenly wakes up. Roy: Huh? Oh, thank DAD those boring things are over. Lemmy: So, since we've seen some funny commercials, it's time to see the funniest of all! I present to you, the funniest commercial! *** Lemmy and Roy are seen sitting in a room. Lemmy: Do you hate commercials? Roy: Of course. Lemmy: Well, Roy and I here have selected the few, the funny commercials, and have put them together into a great show that is nothing but funny commercials. Roy: What? You said this was Wrestlemania. I hate liars! Lemmy: So next week, stay tuned on the Koopaling Network, where we will broadcast to you, Marioverse's Funniest Commercials! Be sure to watch. Laughs are ensured! Roy: Yeah, at how boring the commercials are. Lemmy: (whispering) Don't ruin it, Roy. *** Roy: You’ve got to me kidding me. Lemmy: That commercial was awesome! We should totally watch that show. Roy: Moron. This is that show. So the winning commercial was a boring ad for an even more boring show. Yup, so funny. I cannot stop laughing. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha-ha. Lemmy: Well, that's all the time we have here for today. See you next fall!
Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion!
Wacky Waving Mushroom-Powered Plywood Robot Minion!
Roy: No, we're not ending on a horribly overused pun.
Lemmy: But it's funny!
Roy: Funny? I'll show you funny!
Roy punches Lemmy in the face.
Roy: Now dat's funny!
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